Christmas

Well december flew by my mother always calls it to much hub bub to something that should just be. I really dont like to post in here much anymore it does not seem to help much maybe because it is a tangible place to grieve instead of quietly grieving in my room by myself. Your first christmas without your angel is so hard I think because it is such a kid oriented holiday. How to you make it special? What traditions can you include your angel in? What do you do with those that just dont understand why you are including your angel when you would not include a different dead family member such as a grandparent? I really feel it is so much different to loose a child especially an infant, then an adult, its still sad and hard but they did have some time. You got to see the things they could do you got to see their personality you got to see some development even if in pictures. When you loose an infant you just never know these things I dont even know what my baby really looks like. My Tianna would be almost sitting by now at 5 months.
I still left her christmas tree up still even though Aaron and I went yesterday to visit her I am just not ready to leave her marker as the only sign she is there. We went to the grave on christmas day and opened a present for each of the kids that we felt she would want them to have. The girls got angel necklaces in their birthstone months so they would remember they have an angel watching over them. I got the same but with Tianna's birthstone. Our only son got a praying bear to help him remember her. We read the White rose poem and opened an ornament for Tiannas tree. Mostly we wanted them to know we would be spending time with her if she was here so we do so even though she is not. As we travel to the graveyard I have the passing thought what a strange way to spend a holiday then decide this is my life now a life gratefully most will never have to fully comprehend.
I do well most days as the world goes by forgetting our loss of an angel almost no one mentions her, just my mom most struggle to understand why I grieve and dont just move on. How do you tell them that the constant reminders of your loss will always be there. When a baby you know is within a couple weeks of your baby giggles it makes you long for the chance to hear your baby. When they smile at you and you wonder what your babies smile would have looked like. When you wander around thinking you have forgotten something but know its just the empty arms that is the cause.
So as today marks the 5 months since your passing I try to make it through the day as tomorrow will hopefully be a bit easier.

Our Regular tree now joined by Tiannas with a few gifts for or from Tianna

Christmas this year was good with the kids I think it went better because we shopped early to avoid black Friday. The kids mostly wanted .... MINECRAFT lol oh well it is an easy thing to do. They have totally gotten into playing this and I like them to do so as they interact better when building in the game. I dont know how many will get this but being as our children are mostly Aspies they do not interact with each other much other then fighting. When playing minecraft they actually talk to each other or chat through the game which helps their spelling so I find it a win win situation.

Thanksgiving

I had a bunch of sick kids this month. We decided to decorate a tree for Tianna's Grave and also make a duplicate for our house it was so odd shortly after deciding this I was in Kmart and found a bunch of purple decorations including a lovely purple butterfly. We decorated them on thanksgiving as a family then put her tree outthe same day. I am trying to decide if I want to do it that day or maybe the next. It was a challenge to get up the energy to go do it after all that lovely food lol! We are still headstone shopping it is a challenge to find something that I can stand to look at for the next 60 years or so. So odd to think she has been gone 4 months. 

Tiannas Graveside Tree

Tiannas Tree for the house

On a side note a lovely woman has given birth to a girl that looks alot like my Tianna only she is semi lobar she does have the single nostril which I was told does not happen in any baby but a Alobar very interesting to say the least. Her page is here https://www.facebook.com/LovingAddieMae?fref=ts she is doing pretty well so far.

a bit of catch up

Oct 28

well been gravestone shopping discovered I have complicated tastes. I guess I figure it has to be there for a long time as everyone knows your not likely to change it so I want it to be beautiful like Tianna is. 

Nov 4
Miss you my precious baby 3 months gone today...

Nov 7
This one is the better half of yesterday's post. Having positive ways to help someone through their grief is so much more helpful and important than knowing what you shouldn't say to them.

Another month gone

Oct 10th

I am still here the after effects of grief are actually stronger in the older children then the younger ones. I got my photos from NILMDTS today and they are lovely Lens Blossom Photography did an awesome job. I had a hard time wanting to sit down and look at them but made myself it was bitter sweet. I am glad I did they are something I am glad I will always have as you tend to forget some of the details. I have been sick 4 times in the 8 weeks since I delivered but seem to be on the mend. I am reminded at different times in my life that God is mindful of us especially in the way people are brought into our lives. We will be ok will life be a challenge? yes will we always grieve? yes but it will lessen then hit like a train and lessen again. I have a new favorite song it is Glorious by David Archuleta it has deep meaning for me at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM

The hardest hit from this experience is my oldest she struggles with anxiety and depression already and has not rebounded very well. I wish I could figure out how to help her life is already difficult for a 16 year old this experience has not helped. I wish I knew what to say and do to help her work through and learn the special of this and not just the loss.

as Time goes by

September 10
well I have been so sick I have not really been on long enough to post. i have caught two illnesses since Tiannas birth and just cant seem to beat them down very well. My mother has been suffering with arrhythmia since the funeral and cant drive. They tried a cardioversion but it did not take although Sunday she did have some normal rhythm time. I feel like I have been hit by a train my neck hurts my throat hurts. Pumping is going ok I just wish I had more energy so I felt like a human instead of a dishrag. I started tax classes so weird how life moves on. I find it odd that Tianna has been gone for 5 weeks some days it seems so long ago and others like it was yesterday. I wonder if I am the only one who still has this aching loss you feel kind of lonely at least that is the closest feeling I can put a word to

A family Lesson

September 2

Well I managed to really wear myself out to many days on 5 hrs sleep spent the long weekend recovering. Well that and dealing with the kids they all seemed for lack of better description to have PMS. Bickering, picking on each other, emotional wrecks the list goes on. Yesterday was 4 weeks it is so hard to believe tianna has been gone that long. We went as a family to her grave for the first time since her passing and placed a flower. We decided to have a family home evening mini lesson there to discuss that Tianna is still part of our lives. Also why people go visit graves. I figure we will have to brush up on this topic for the younger kids again later as all they did was run around lol. My hope is that the children will visit her often and look at her short life as a gift for now they have a special person watching over them. 

Tuesdays

I wish I knew why Tuesdays are so hard for me I lost Tianna on a Monday but it always hits me on a Tuesday. I wonder if that's when it hit me she was gone or perhaps I grieve cause that is the day I went in to get induced. Well whatever it is today is a hard day 3 weeks she has been gone. I don't like it! I know she is doing good things and I still want her here to cuddle and hold. It is mostly at night I miss her and first thing in the morning oh and when I leave the house all of these times I think I am forgetting someone. Interesting how much of our lives revolves around mothering. Well at least I am slowly able to do more things with out getting wiped out. Kids are adjusting to school hubby too. We just need time to get lesson plans in our kids are still clingy and interrupt us constantly more then normal. Makes it hard to get anything done mostly cause I forget where I was with every interruption and have to start over in my thought processes. Sigh!