Thanksgiving

I had a bunch of sick kids this month. We decided to decorate a tree for Tianna's Grave and also make a duplicate for our house it was so odd shortly after deciding this I was in Kmart and found a bunch of purple decorations including a lovely purple butterfly. We decorated them on thanksgiving as a family then put her tree outthe same day. I am trying to decide if I want to do it that day or maybe the next. It was a challenge to get up the energy to go do it after all that lovely food lol! We are still headstone shopping it is a challenge to find something that I can stand to look at for the next 60 years or so. So odd to think she has been gone 4 months. 

Tiannas Graveside Tree

Tiannas Tree for the house

On a side note a lovely woman has given birth to a girl that looks alot like my Tianna only she is semi lobar she does have the single nostril which I was told does not happen in any baby but a Alobar very interesting to say the least. Her page is here https://www.facebook.com/LovingAddieMae?fref=ts she is doing pretty well so far.

a bit of catch up

Oct 28

well been gravestone shopping discovered I have complicated tastes. I guess I figure it has to be there for a long time as everyone knows your not likely to change it so I want it to be beautiful like Tianna is. 

Nov 4
Miss you my precious baby 3 months gone today...

Nov 7
This one is the better half of yesterday's post. Having positive ways to help someone through their grief is so much more helpful and important than knowing what you shouldn't say to them.

Another month gone

Oct 10th

I am still here the after effects of grief are actually stronger in the older children then the younger ones. I got my photos from NILMDTS today and they are lovely Lens Blossom Photography did an awesome job. I had a hard time wanting to sit down and look at them but made myself it was bitter sweet. I am glad I did they are something I am glad I will always have as you tend to forget some of the details. I have been sick 4 times in the 8 weeks since I delivered but seem to be on the mend. I am reminded at different times in my life that God is mindful of us especially in the way people are brought into our lives. We will be ok will life be a challenge? yes will we always grieve? yes but it will lessen then hit like a train and lessen again. I have a new favorite song it is Glorious by David Archuleta it has deep meaning for me at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM

The hardest hit from this experience is my oldest she struggles with anxiety and depression already and has not rebounded very well. I wish I could figure out how to help her life is already difficult for a 16 year old this experience has not helped. I wish I knew what to say and do to help her work through and learn the special of this and not just the loss.

as Time goes by

September 10
well I have been so sick I have not really been on long enough to post. i have caught two illnesses since Tiannas birth and just cant seem to beat them down very well. My mother has been suffering with arrhythmia since the funeral and cant drive. They tried a cardioversion but it did not take although Sunday she did have some normal rhythm time. I feel like I have been hit by a train my neck hurts my throat hurts. Pumping is going ok I just wish I had more energy so I felt like a human instead of a dishrag. I started tax classes so weird how life moves on. I find it odd that Tianna has been gone for 5 weeks some days it seems so long ago and others like it was yesterday. I wonder if I am the only one who still has this aching loss you feel kind of lonely at least that is the closest feeling I can put a word to

A family Lesson

September 2

Well I managed to really wear myself out to many days on 5 hrs sleep spent the long weekend recovering. Well that and dealing with the kids they all seemed for lack of better description to have PMS. Bickering, picking on each other, emotional wrecks the list goes on. Yesterday was 4 weeks it is so hard to believe tianna has been gone that long. We went as a family to her grave for the first time since her passing and placed a flower. We decided to have a family home evening mini lesson there to discuss that Tianna is still part of our lives. Also why people go visit graves. I figure we will have to brush up on this topic for the younger kids again later as all they did was run around lol. My hope is that the children will visit her often and look at her short life as a gift for now they have a special person watching over them. 

Tuesdays

I wish I knew why Tuesdays are so hard for me I lost Tianna on a Monday but it always hits me on a Tuesday. I wonder if that's when it hit me she was gone or perhaps I grieve cause that is the day I went in to get induced. Well whatever it is today is a hard day 3 weeks she has been gone. I don't like it! I know she is doing good things and I still want her here to cuddle and hold. It is mostly at night I miss her and first thing in the morning oh and when I leave the house all of these times I think I am forgetting someone. Interesting how much of our lives revolves around mothering. Well at least I am slowly able to do more things with out getting wiped out. Kids are adjusting to school hubby too. We just need time to get lesson plans in our kids are still clingy and interrupt us constantly more then normal. Makes it hard to get anything done mostly cause I forget where I was with every interruption and have to start over in my thought processes. Sigh!

Some helps and school starting

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0079UVRU6?ie=UTF8&at=aw-iphone-pc-us-20&force-full-site=1&ref_=aw_bottom_links a good link for help with grieving

I got to meet the family I whose son I am donating breast milk to he is the cutest little guy. The family is very nice I really like them the mother is a sweet lady who has had child loss. We get each others grief. As I am on this new chapter in my life I find it odd that things like grief can help you form bonds with others that you would not have considered in your old you life. 
I am changing sometimes in odd ways. I am currently oddly attached to blankets. I have one they gave me at the hospital that never touched my baby but it is a nice size and I use it when sitting in the recliner and have used it since I came home. I did not realize I was so attached to it till it went missing two days ago I was a bit worried the first day. The second I was almost frantic to find it I thought one of the kids had used it for school. That second night I dreamed about the blanket for heavens sake so this morning I went on a massive hunt I knew I had to have it. I did find it and felt oddly better still I do find this need oddly disturbing.
I held my new niece today for the first time she was born 2 weeks and 3 days after my Tianna. I thought it would upset me to hold her so was a bit nervous. It did not really upset me it did however make me long to hold Tianna and set off that need that I am not doing something I should be again. This need does hit me at other times it is not bad just strange. I guess I will probably always have that but hopefully it will lessen a bit. Still at least I know I can hold babies and not want to steal them hahaha(well no more then usual who does not love babies?)

I went to see my Tiannas grave for the first time Tuesday after horse lessons I had my son, my second daughter and my youngest with me. I tried to explain where Tianna was but my youngest did not get it she wanted me to get Tianna out of the ground it made me want to cry she was so upset. 

I forgot to mention school started for my husband and son. My daughters have been in school for two weeks already and my oldest and third girls have tried out to be in a play. The girls are doing good other then my oldest was in seminary and they showed a film which would have been ok except at the end they had a family gathered around a baby/child grave. Set her on panic mode the rest of the day. My husband is in a brand new Charter school teaching 5th grade the school specializes in Autism spectrum students. Needless to say the first week has been interesting but he loves it. My son does not like school anymore now then he did at the end of last year SIGH! We are hoping he adjusts a bit more since the school specializes in ASD. My oldest has been driving the kids and hubby to schools she is awesome. I did have massive anxiety about letting her they say its due to loosing a baby it makes you more anxious about the others. She makes quite the trip she drives daddy and her brother to one city north then drives 4 cities south picks up the sister that has been staying with my mom and takes them all to school.
I have a daughter staying with my mom as she suffers from arrhythmia where her heart speeds and slows for long periods of the day especially when she gets stressed. She only needs a little help and I found I could not do it with the baby coming and cant currently. So a good solution has been I have had one of my older 4 daughters down there to help her all summer. Currently I have one daughter staying each week they help her do her laundry, keep her company when my dad is gone, take care of dogs and make sure she eats. This has been a big relief from my worries my girls are so awesome I know this has been a challenge for them as my mom can get panicy when she is experiencing these arrhythmia.