Christmas

Well december flew by my mother always calls it to much hub bub to something that should just be. I really dont like to post in here much anymore it does not seem to help much maybe because it is a tangible place to grieve instead of quietly grieving in my room by myself. Your first christmas without your angel is so hard I think because it is such a kid oriented holiday. How to you make it special? What traditions can you include your angel in? What do you do with those that just dont understand why you are including your angel when you would not include a different dead family member such as a grandparent? I really feel it is so much different to loose a child especially an infant, then an adult, its still sad and hard but they did have some time. You got to see the things they could do you got to see their personality you got to see some development even if in pictures. When you loose an infant you just never know these things I dont even know what my baby really looks like. My Tianna would be almost sitting by now at 5 months.
I still left her christmas tree up still even though Aaron and I went yesterday to visit her I am just not ready to leave her marker as the only sign she is there. We went to the grave on christmas day and opened a present for each of the kids that we felt she would want them to have. The girls got angel necklaces in their birthstone months so they would remember they have an angel watching over them. I got the same but with Tianna's birthstone. Our only son got a praying bear to help him remember her. We read the White rose poem and opened an ornament for Tiannas tree. Mostly we wanted them to know we would be spending time with her if she was here so we do so even though she is not. As we travel to the graveyard I have the passing thought what a strange way to spend a holiday then decide this is my life now a life gratefully most will never have to fully comprehend.
I do well most days as the world goes by forgetting our loss of an angel almost no one mentions her, just my mom most struggle to understand why I grieve and dont just move on. How do you tell them that the constant reminders of your loss will always be there. When a baby you know is within a couple weeks of your baby giggles it makes you long for the chance to hear your baby. When they smile at you and you wonder what your babies smile would have looked like. When you wander around thinking you have forgotten something but know its just the empty arms that is the cause.
So as today marks the 5 months since your passing I try to make it through the day as tomorrow will hopefully be a bit easier.

Our Regular tree now joined by Tiannas with a few gifts for or from Tianna

Christmas this year was good with the kids I think it went better because we shopped early to avoid black Friday. The kids mostly wanted .... MINECRAFT lol oh well it is an easy thing to do. They have totally gotten into playing this and I like them to do so as they interact better when building in the game. I dont know how many will get this but being as our children are mostly Aspies they do not interact with each other much other then fighting. When playing minecraft they actually talk to each other or chat through the game which helps their spelling so I find it a win win situation.

Thanksgiving

I had a bunch of sick kids this month. We decided to decorate a tree for Tianna's Grave and also make a duplicate for our house it was so odd shortly after deciding this I was in Kmart and found a bunch of purple decorations including a lovely purple butterfly. We decorated them on thanksgiving as a family then put her tree outthe same day. I am trying to decide if I want to do it that day or maybe the next. It was a challenge to get up the energy to go do it after all that lovely food lol! We are still headstone shopping it is a challenge to find something that I can stand to look at for the next 60 years or so. So odd to think she has been gone 4 months. 

Tiannas Graveside Tree

Tiannas Tree for the house

On a side note a lovely woman has given birth to a girl that looks alot like my Tianna only she is semi lobar she does have the single nostril which I was told does not happen in any baby but a Alobar very interesting to say the least. Her page is here https://www.facebook.com/LovingAddieMae?fref=ts she is doing pretty well so far.

a bit of catch up

Oct 28

well been gravestone shopping discovered I have complicated tastes. I guess I figure it has to be there for a long time as everyone knows your not likely to change it so I want it to be beautiful like Tianna is. 

Nov 4
Miss you my precious baby 3 months gone today...

Nov 7
This one is the better half of yesterday's post. Having positive ways to help someone through their grief is so much more helpful and important than knowing what you shouldn't say to them.

Another month gone

Oct 10th

I am still here the after effects of grief are actually stronger in the older children then the younger ones. I got my photos from NILMDTS today and they are lovely Lens Blossom Photography did an awesome job. I had a hard time wanting to sit down and look at them but made myself it was bitter sweet. I am glad I did they are something I am glad I will always have as you tend to forget some of the details. I have been sick 4 times in the 8 weeks since I delivered but seem to be on the mend. I am reminded at different times in my life that God is mindful of us especially in the way people are brought into our lives. We will be ok will life be a challenge? yes will we always grieve? yes but it will lessen then hit like a train and lessen again. I have a new favorite song it is Glorious by David Archuleta it has deep meaning for me at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM

The hardest hit from this experience is my oldest she struggles with anxiety and depression already and has not rebounded very well. I wish I could figure out how to help her life is already difficult for a 16 year old this experience has not helped. I wish I knew what to say and do to help her work through and learn the special of this and not just the loss.

as Time goes by

September 10
well I have been so sick I have not really been on long enough to post. i have caught two illnesses since Tiannas birth and just cant seem to beat them down very well. My mother has been suffering with arrhythmia since the funeral and cant drive. They tried a cardioversion but it did not take although Sunday she did have some normal rhythm time. I feel like I have been hit by a train my neck hurts my throat hurts. Pumping is going ok I just wish I had more energy so I felt like a human instead of a dishrag. I started tax classes so weird how life moves on. I find it odd that Tianna has been gone for 5 weeks some days it seems so long ago and others like it was yesterday. I wonder if I am the only one who still has this aching loss you feel kind of lonely at least that is the closest feeling I can put a word to

Some helps and school starting

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0079UVRU6?ie=UTF8&at=aw-iphone-pc-us-20&force-full-site=1&ref_=aw_bottom_links a good link for help with grieving

I got to meet the family I whose son I am donating breast milk to he is the cutest little guy. The family is very nice I really like them the mother is a sweet lady who has had child loss. We get each others grief. As I am on this new chapter in my life I find it odd that things like grief can help you form bonds with others that you would not have considered in your old you life. 
I am changing sometimes in odd ways. I am currently oddly attached to blankets. I have one they gave me at the hospital that never touched my baby but it is a nice size and I use it when sitting in the recliner and have used it since I came home. I did not realize I was so attached to it till it went missing two days ago I was a bit worried the first day. The second I was almost frantic to find it I thought one of the kids had used it for school. That second night I dreamed about the blanket for heavens sake so this morning I went on a massive hunt I knew I had to have it. I did find it and felt oddly better still I do find this need oddly disturbing.
I held my new niece today for the first time she was born 2 weeks and 3 days after my Tianna. I thought it would upset me to hold her so was a bit nervous. It did not really upset me it did however make me long to hold Tianna and set off that need that I am not doing something I should be again. This need does hit me at other times it is not bad just strange. I guess I will probably always have that but hopefully it will lessen a bit. Still at least I know I can hold babies and not want to steal them hahaha(well no more then usual who does not love babies?)

I went to see my Tiannas grave for the first time Tuesday after horse lessons I had my son, my second daughter and my youngest with me. I tried to explain where Tianna was but my youngest did not get it she wanted me to get Tianna out of the ground it made me want to cry she was so upset. 

I forgot to mention school started for my husband and son. My daughters have been in school for two weeks already and my oldest and third girls have tried out to be in a play. The girls are doing good other then my oldest was in seminary and they showed a film which would have been ok except at the end they had a family gathered around a baby/child grave. Set her on panic mode the rest of the day. My husband is in a brand new Charter school teaching 5th grade the school specializes in Autism spectrum students. Needless to say the first week has been interesting but he loves it. My son does not like school anymore now then he did at the end of last year SIGH! We are hoping he adjusts a bit more since the school specializes in ASD. My oldest has been driving the kids and hubby to schools she is awesome. I did have massive anxiety about letting her they say its due to loosing a baby it makes you more anxious about the others. She makes quite the trip she drives daddy and her brother to one city north then drives 4 cities south picks up the sister that has been staying with my mom and takes them all to school.
I have a daughter staying with my mom as she suffers from arrhythmia where her heart speeds and slows for long periods of the day especially when she gets stressed. She only needs a little help and I found I could not do it with the baby coming and cant currently. So a good solution has been I have had one of my older 4 daughters down there to help her all summer. Currently I have one daughter staying each week they help her do her laundry, keep her company when my dad is gone, take care of dogs and make sure she eats. This has been a big relief from my worries my girls are so awesome I know this has been a challenge for them as my mom can get panicy when she is experiencing these arrhythmia. 

The second Week after Loss

August 17

Eleanor Loveridge Tianna's Cousin is here born this morning she is 20 inches long and 8 lbs 15.9 oz pretty good size for a first baby and she looks like Jarom and has long hair 

August 19

well Tianna has been gone 2 weeks as of yesterday at 6:15 pm what a hard two weeks for me. I miss her like crazy and want to hold her. I have decided in the last couple days that it works for me to give thoughts to her at least first thing in the morning so I play her song and sing it and cry if I want while I pump. I figure I spend all day thinking about and looking after my other children I can spare a bit of time to think about the one that is gone.
I have determined there is a big difference in the sexes in how we grieve and from person to person. I am still a mess my husband seems to have let go and moved on. Of course he is really busy with school starting so maybe he just hides it better which is what I am more inclined to believe.
I still am trying to recover from blood loss and delivery. I read in someones blog who lost 2000 ml and had a transfusion the hospital told her it could take 6 weeks to feel normal. So I have decided to quit feeling guilty that I have not bounced back. This other lady could not even hardly walk without her husband for the first week so I am doing better there I just need to give myself more time.

How do you cope?

August 8th

Today was my due date and kinda made me mopey I mean usually I am still pregnant which depresses me. I still feel at peace she is where she ought to be but you still feel that emptyness.

August 10th

Well I have discovered that having a small war inside yourself is not pleasant. I feel a big jumbled mess spiritually I know Tianna is safe and happy I have peace about this. Mentally, emotionally and physically I want my baby I want/ need to be caring for her. The loss is on so many levels I can't process how to deal with it. Human nature is to avoid painful things so my survival instincts are to box all that reminds me of her away. Then you feel like a horrible mother for trying to forget such an important person and event in your life. There has to be a better way maybe it takes time. If I can get past these mother instincts that make reminders so painful maybe I can then dwell on the joy Tianna brought me in the short time she was here. I did have to take Tiannas picture off my wallpaper on my phone. It is amazing how much a person looks at their phone and I can't make it through the day crying every time I look at my phone.

I did come to the realization that God sent Tianna back to breath so I would not have to live with the guilt of pulling the plug. I don't have to have any thoughts of I ended her life for which I am grateful. It was still hard to watch her go and you replay it at times.

Obituary for our Angel

Tianna Daniella Loveridge

Born July 30, 2014

Died August 4, 2014

Due to Complications of Alobar Holoprosencephaly

Tianna was born at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center to Aaron N Loveridge and Dianalyn Prisbrey Loveridge. Tianna had the cutest nose and loved to be sung to by her oldest sister and her Mom. She loved to be held by daddy and mommy. Tianna is her grandparents and parents shining star that brightened our lives for a brief space of time but will impact us for a lifetime.

Tianna is survived by her parents Aaron Nephi Loveridge and Dianalyn Prisbrey Loveridge; her Sisters Aubryanna, Savannah, Bethannie, Julianna and Meagann Loveridge; her brother Ryan William Loveridge; and by her grandparents Robert LeRoy Loveridge and MaryEllen Wilcox Loveridge, Larry Max Prisbrey and Elizabeth Ann Sykora Prisbrey.

Graveside Service

August 7, 2014

12pm

Lehi Cemetery

1100 N 400 E

Lehi, Utah, 84043

In lieu of flowers, Memorials may be sent to:

Aaron Loveridge

855 E 200 S

Orem, Utah 84097

"A Mother's Prayer"

(Celine Dion)

I pray you'll be my eyes

And watch her where she goes

And help her to be wise

Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light

And holds it in her heart

As darkness falls each night

Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Need to find a place

Guide her to a place

Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

A day to Psych for

We had a great spiritual day a couple days ago I have realized that Tianna is ready she is just waiting for me. I have to psych myself into giving birth and letting go. This is not easy for me I am a pretty much wait and let it come person so forcing my body to give birth early worries me. After much consideration we have decided to move forward with another induction on Tuesday the 29 starting in the evening to dilate me then most likely deliver on Wednesday the 30th. I hope and pray this works out and we can enjoy some time with Tianna this also was in consideration of our other children who start school on the 13th of August we wanted to give them a bit of time to recover.

Some catch up posts

7-11-14
Well in a bit of a shock today went in for my 36 week ultra sound and baby Tianna is not really growing, my amniotic fluid is a bit high so she is not processing it as well as she was. Her heart rate is around 108 bpm which is highly worrisome. The Nicu says they would rather have a good heart rate and worry about lungs then other way around. They then asked us what our goals were and we have decided we would like to have her born alive if possible just to get to see her move and be here. They think that if her heart rate continues to drop she will not make it out of me alive. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I thought I would have 4 more weeks I feel totally not ready but worry if I wait to long I will loose her in the womb which could happen anyway PRAYERS greatly appreciated!!

7-13-14
Well what an emotional weekend. Baby Tianna is doing ok heart rate sitting about 112 I am so grateful to own a fetal monitor so I can not stress about it. Thanks Kim and Michael! We got those prenatal pictures done that was a special experience and will be treasured. We have agreed that We would like Tianna to be born alive if possible we will see what our Regular baby doctor thinks on Monday. I am not happy to have to be induced but that is the way the cookie crumbles. It is a life adjustment to think you have 4 weeks to less then one week all the things I thought I had time to accomplish now get to be crammed in. We laid out some basic plans for the graveside service yesterday just in case I have washed most of the baby things I have that we might need. 

7-14-14
Well it is scheduled I go in to soften my cervix Tuesday Night 6pm at UVRMC then they should start pit Wednesday morning. I am not ready this has all been a mess from the get go I am not used to being induced My babies are all 6 days over except Sav who was 12 days over. I dont like this at all at the same time what do you do? I want to meet my baby alive if possible and they tell me this is the best way as she is not growing and the heart rate issue. I will have to grin and bare it. I pray it works out the way it should and we get to spend some time with her. What a experience this has been. I hope never to repeat it.

7-16-14
Well it just goes to show it can be difficult to force nature. Induction failed we try again Monday.

A baby shower and Cemetery plots

well braxton hicks are calming down I have been sitting in a recliner more staying hydrated. I went to my first baby shower since getting Tianna's diagnoses it was not bad mostly felt melancholy. Had a good time good food so I think it went well. Hopefully I do as well on the next one :) Tianna is still very active she seems to be stretching more I wonder if she is feeling constricted and they certainly set off more braxton hicks. Aaron is so cute he keeps playing with my tummy to get baby to kick I think it is good for both of us.
A couple days ago we went to the cemetery and picked out our plots it was depressing I had been avoiding it but with baby drop and all the braxton hicks we decided we had better to be safe. We picked a lovely spot that for most of the day will be shaded they had 5 spots so we hope to bury my parents next to us as well.

An Easter with an Angel coming

Easter was hard this year I have never considered celebrating to include the baby in my tummy before. After thinking on it I decided that I believe the spirit resides in the body even in the womb. As such since Tianna might not be with us for any others we decided to get her a basket and a bunny. A dear friend of mine told me that her children find great comfort from having a stuffed animal to cuddle with when they miss their sister. I thought this was a good a time as any to get an animal that would mean something to my other children when they get sad. I am glad I have a religion to believe in that helps me realize the greater picture. I got released from nursery today they asked how I felt about it, I felt this might be better for me as I struggle when around so many other children. My pregnancy is making it difficult for me to be much help physically. I would like to do something but I am not sure where I could help and not have to deal with any questions about Tianna. My 3 year old is talking up a storm she is a huge chatter box reminds me of my 16 year old more everyday. 

I was sitting outside to day to get warm and realized that the sun was hitting my tummy. I then wondered if Tianna could sense the light she started kicking so I tend to thing she could sense a change. I then realized how much I am aware of the beautiful things nature brings us. I usually notice some things but I feel I have been noticing more since getting Tiannas diagnoses . I remember spending tons of time in nature as a young girl I loved the hills around my house I used to watch ants for hours. I loved to watch water skitters on the provo river. I liked the feel of wet sand when I would build car tunnels and rivers with my brothers. I loved the swinging motion of swings and swing for quite some time. I loved to look at the veins in different leaves while walking. I love sunsets and when I would get up sunrises. Rainbows were and are still magical I love prisms that make these and would explore them in different settings. Butterflies are probably still my most favorite I love their delicateness and how they come out of self made cocoons. As I wander through these days till Tianna comes I try to share these with her as she might not get to experience them outside the womb. I wonder if she will be here long enough to experience different temperatures or a lovely summer day. I hope she will be able to at least experience taking a breath and the amazing energy it can create in your body. I hope she will also get to feel her mothers and fathers arms around her in a loving embrace before she goes back to help her father in heaven.

Tax Season over and An Appointment

We have had a busy couple days THANK GOODNESS happy tax day is over! I like taxes but human nature is to procrastinate the unhappy things so we get totally slammed not to mention I have a family of procrastinators (me included on a variety of things) and I always seem to be pushing out 3 or more returns on the last days of taxes at home. Now I dont seem to have much to do other then the normal mommy things 
I went to my first prenatal since my ultra sound and I did not realize it was going to be so difficult. Kept leaking tears almost the whole time so embarrassing. I think I should switch to a family doctor or an office with less pregnant women or newborns. I might adjust. I dont dislike them but they remind me of my current situation that will not have such an lovely outcome logically I know I cant avoid all people in this condition but emotionally I want to.
Some days I just want the world to stop so I dont have to reach the inevitable day of Tianna's birth. She is so alive in me and for now seems safe. I want to selfishly keep her for as long as I can. I also know that heavenly father has some other plan for her and I cant stop life or change his plan to suit my desires. I just wanted to mention the want was there. I have got to find someone who has dealt with babies with this condition like a pediatrician I know that every case is unique based on brain development but I need some input.

Baby very active lately

Doing ok baby Tianna is Kicking up a storm and they are all over the place so I am not sure what she is doing in there. Sometimes I wish we could see inside the tummy without all those special devices. On a brighter note my oldest went out on her first group date on the 5th she was so excited and it went well. My husband also got almost everything for his renewal of his level 2 teaching license done now to just turn it in and pay. Then he can add his sped to it  Work went well today finally finished one of the update classes and did a couple returns then helped with some questions taxes can be fun!

So I have been playing music for Tianna she likes drums probably because of the vibrations. She has been kicking tons especially at night. It is so hard to grasp that something that seems so alive and normal in the womb could have a fatal diagnoses once she is born. 
A dear sister in the ward came and talked to me she had lost a baby due to similar circumstances. I find it helps that I am not alone that there are others who have traveled this strange heartbreaking path and survived moving on to become very strong women. It helps me to know what they have done to help this experience to be as best as it can be getting their children involved to form a bond. I am grateful for help so I dont miss important moments and can create as many memories as we can. She mentioned that she has a keepsake box for her children with a blanket and photo for them. I have decided I like this idea and am going to look for a special box this week with each child at Michaels.

Second Ultra Sound and Some Burial Ideas

Second Ultra sound was April 2 this time it appears that Tianna has one nostril what that means for survival we do not know yet. The rest of her appears good other then the brain not splitting like it should and a little bit of hydrocephalus at the back of her head ( meaning water on the brain). We were saddened by this some as the more facial deformations the less likely Tianna is to survive very long in this world. Tianna Daniella has Alobar Holoprosencephaly which means her brain did not form properly and has not divided into the two hemispheres. There is no cure 50% of these babies miscarry before 20 weeks those that live beyond usually 25% are stillborn and the rest can live a few days or a few months. Alobar is the most severe form two others semi lobar and lobar have a bit better survival rates.
We decided we should stop and make some burial plans to be prepared for the worst. It was so hard to pick a little casket and realize how small a baby can look in one. The costs are going to be expensive to us. They do at least not charge fees, just for the casket, vault, and we have to buy some plots they are sold in 2's but we might as well get 3 so we can all be buried together. They Funeral home was very helpful and explained things about how different funerals work and why its always a good idea to at least have a plan even if you dont purchase things right then. They also explained that they offer a funeral insurance which I think can be a good idea that acts like a universal life insurance but is just for your funeral and anything left over would go to beneficiaries. They also explained that it is better to pay on the 13 months same as cash kinda thing so you dont end up paying double by the time your finished paying for the insurance. I came home and was sad talking to my sister in law helped we discussed some ideas for the graveside. She offered to play there so we picked some songs. Yesterday the 4th of April was my husbands Mission reunion the closing song was "Till we meet again". I have never reacted to that song before but this time I starting crying right in the middle of it I was kinda embarrassed and realized you just never know how things will affect you at a later date.

I guess I should post how I am doing well I am healthy and the Perinatologist expects me to progress just like my other babies. So physically I am ok other then tired. Emotionally I am not so great I sometimes find myself wishing it is some other way. I am sad I try hard not to think on what the outcome threatens to be and focus on Tianna moving in me. The hard part is how to get the most I can out of the next 4 months without crying all the time. I try to share experiences with the other children like things that make her kick. All I can do is take it one day at a time and hand this anguish all up to God.

Telling others

Well after you get over the shock a bit and the grief you get to figure out how to tell others especially extended family you dont want them to be blindsided. Also you have to consider the kids your kids ages the cousins as your kids will need someone to talk to other then you. We decided to write an email I could not tell them in person and get it out. We decided to tell them within the first week after we had told our children. I happen to have two sister in laws and a nephew all due with there first babies within a month of mine.  This will make it a bit difficult as they will have baby showers in the coming months and I will have a constant reminder of what my child would be like after she passes. I know I can do this because I am strong enough to face this challenge with heavenly fathers help, to much is at stake to fail this test. In the email I told them the condition how we were doing and that we did not want to be excluded because it might get uncomfortable. We might cry a bit but just ignore the tears and keep going we will be ok. We did not want the family to have to walk around on eggshells around us when they should be enjoying their first child experience. About half responded to our email right away the others did not know how to respond or what to say. They still love us they just needed more process time most have responded by now most in person to let us know they are there for us and feel our grief but did not know what to say.

I also think you need support you have got to have someone to turn to when the day threatens to overwhelm you with grief or sadness. For some this is a religious leader for others its a good friend and even if they dont truly understand at least they can listen. Also what your kids carefully they dont always want to share how difficult a time they are having especially the teens. In our state we have a wonderful program called angel watch they provide various services for grieving families of children who pass away under age 1. We are  set up for our first appointment so they can help us get some counseling and decide what we want for Tianna's birth. We also have our followup ultra sound this week and have made a huge list of questions we would like answered we just feel like the doctors tend to just give you doom and gloom instead of educating you on all the possibilities. We would like a MRI to see better what the brain is doing as it is very difficult to tell on ultra sounds. We need to know what areas are affected since her body looks fine. What it means since the test for trisomy 13 and 18 came back negative does this change her chances? What interventions do we consider? how many heroic measures do we do? Where do you draw the line between suffering and life?