Some catch up posts

7-11-14
Well in a bit of a shock today went in for my 36 week ultra sound and baby Tianna is not really growing, my amniotic fluid is a bit high so she is not processing it as well as she was. Her heart rate is around 108 bpm which is highly worrisome. The Nicu says they would rather have a good heart rate and worry about lungs then other way around. They then asked us what our goals were and we have decided we would like to have her born alive if possible just to get to see her move and be here. They think that if her heart rate continues to drop she will not make it out of me alive. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I thought I would have 4 more weeks I feel totally not ready but worry if I wait to long I will loose her in the womb which could happen anyway PRAYERS greatly appreciated!!

7-13-14
Well what an emotional weekend. Baby Tianna is doing ok heart rate sitting about 112 I am so grateful to own a fetal monitor so I can not stress about it. Thanks Kim and Michael! We got those prenatal pictures done that was a special experience and will be treasured. We have agreed that We would like Tianna to be born alive if possible we will see what our Regular baby doctor thinks on Monday. I am not happy to have to be induced but that is the way the cookie crumbles. It is a life adjustment to think you have 4 weeks to less then one week all the things I thought I had time to accomplish now get to be crammed in. We laid out some basic plans for the graveside service yesterday just in case I have washed most of the baby things I have that we might need. 

7-14-14
Well it is scheduled I go in to soften my cervix Tuesday Night 6pm at UVRMC then they should start pit Wednesday morning. I am not ready this has all been a mess from the get go I am not used to being induced My babies are all 6 days over except Sav who was 12 days over. I dont like this at all at the same time what do you do? I want to meet my baby alive if possible and they tell me this is the best way as she is not growing and the heart rate issue. I will have to grin and bare it. I pray it works out the way it should and we get to spend some time with her. What a experience this has been. I hope never to repeat it.

7-16-14
Well it just goes to show it can be difficult to force nature. Induction failed we try again Monday.

A baby shower and Cemetery plots

well braxton hicks are calming down I have been sitting in a recliner more staying hydrated. I went to my first baby shower since getting Tianna's diagnoses it was not bad mostly felt melancholy. Had a good time good food so I think it went well. Hopefully I do as well on the next one :) Tianna is still very active she seems to be stretching more I wonder if she is feeling constricted and they certainly set off more braxton hicks. Aaron is so cute he keeps playing with my tummy to get baby to kick I think it is good for both of us.
A couple days ago we went to the cemetery and picked out our plots it was depressing I had been avoiding it but with baby drop and all the braxton hicks we decided we had better to be safe. We picked a lovely spot that for most of the day will be shaded they had 5 spots so we hope to bury my parents next to us as well.

had an appt with my doctor Last week stomach measuring a bit small probably cause head is a bit small I had gained some weight so mostly I appear normal hahaha. Tianna was moving so much he could only get the heartbeat for a second or two but decided she was ok as she was moving. She still does not like the doppler or ultra sound machine always seems to be saying leave me be 

well I am having more braxton hicks almost every time I get up or down I must be having them at night cause I wake up with my stomach sore at the top and bottom mostly. Tianna also appears to have dropped into my pelvis my heartburn is a rare thing again. I am 33 weeks if anyone is keeping track  I am having more panic attacks I am sure this is just because I am at war I dont want the inevitable to happen. However I know it needs to it is a bit of a quandary. I dont feel ready for this experience at all and frankly the timing sucks to much to do around my due date the kids will be starting school, Aarons new job starts around then too. I just dont know how it will all work out. I am working on the faith aspect of this whole journey it will work out how it works not much I can do but pray that we all survive the aftermath and take away what we need to from this journey.

We took our kids to a carnival Saturday it was fun we have been working to have more family outings this summer to help with coping. We make several of them as taking Tianna out to do this and that. It can get to be a challenge with all the autism we have frequent meltdowns but this is more important then what some passer by might think of my childrens behaviors. The kids do seem to be having fun so that is what matters making some memories.

An Easter with an Angel coming

Easter was hard this year I have never considered celebrating to include the baby in my tummy before. After thinking on it I decided that I believe the spirit resides in the body even in the womb. As such since Tianna might not be with us for any others we decided to get her a basket and a bunny. A dear friend of mine told me that her children find great comfort from having a stuffed animal to cuddle with when they miss their sister. I thought this was a good a time as any to get an animal that would mean something to my other children when they get sad. I am glad I have a religion to believe in that helps me realize the greater picture. I got released from nursery today they asked how I felt about it, I felt this might be better for me as I struggle when around so many other children. My pregnancy is making it difficult for me to be much help physically. I would like to do something but I am not sure where I could help and not have to deal with any questions about Tianna. My 3 year old is talking up a storm she is a huge chatter box reminds me of my 16 year old more everyday. 

I was sitting outside to day to get warm and realized that the sun was hitting my tummy. I then wondered if Tianna could sense the light she started kicking so I tend to thing she could sense a change. I then realized how much I am aware of the beautiful things nature brings us. I usually notice some things but I feel I have been noticing more since getting Tiannas diagnoses . I remember spending tons of time in nature as a young girl I loved the hills around my house I used to watch ants for hours. I loved to watch water skitters on the provo river. I liked the feel of wet sand when I would build car tunnels and rivers with my brothers. I loved the swinging motion of swings and swing for quite some time. I loved to look at the veins in different leaves while walking. I love sunsets and when I would get up sunrises. Rainbows were and are still magical I love prisms that make these and would explore them in different settings. Butterflies are probably still my most favorite I love their delicateness and how they come out of self made cocoons. As I wander through these days till Tianna comes I try to share these with her as she might not get to experience them outside the womb. I wonder if she will be here long enough to experience different temperatures or a lovely summer day. I hope she will be able to at least experience taking a breath and the amazing energy it can create in your body. I hope she will also get to feel her mothers and fathers arms around her in a loving embrace before she goes back to help her father in heaven.