Christmas

Well december flew by my mother always calls it to much hub bub to something that should just be. I really dont like to post in here much anymore it does not seem to help much maybe because it is a tangible place to grieve instead of quietly grieving in my room by myself. Your first christmas without your angel is so hard I think because it is such a kid oriented holiday. How to you make it special? What traditions can you include your angel in? What do you do with those that just dont understand why you are including your angel when you would not include a different dead family member such as a grandparent? I really feel it is so much different to loose a child especially an infant, then an adult, its still sad and hard but they did have some time. You got to see the things they could do you got to see their personality you got to see some development even if in pictures. When you loose an infant you just never know these things I dont even know what my baby really looks like. My Tianna would be almost sitting by now at 5 months.
I still left her christmas tree up still even though Aaron and I went yesterday to visit her I am just not ready to leave her marker as the only sign she is there. We went to the grave on christmas day and opened a present for each of the kids that we felt she would want them to have. The girls got angel necklaces in their birthstone months so they would remember they have an angel watching over them. I got the same but with Tianna's birthstone. Our only son got a praying bear to help him remember her. We read the White rose poem and opened an ornament for Tiannas tree. Mostly we wanted them to know we would be spending time with her if she was here so we do so even though she is not. As we travel to the graveyard I have the passing thought what a strange way to spend a holiday then decide this is my life now a life gratefully most will never have to fully comprehend.
I do well most days as the world goes by forgetting our loss of an angel almost no one mentions her, just my mom most struggle to understand why I grieve and dont just move on. How do you tell them that the constant reminders of your loss will always be there. When a baby you know is within a couple weeks of your baby giggles it makes you long for the chance to hear your baby. When they smile at you and you wonder what your babies smile would have looked like. When you wander around thinking you have forgotten something but know its just the empty arms that is the cause.
So as today marks the 5 months since your passing I try to make it through the day as tomorrow will hopefully be a bit easier.

Our Regular tree now joined by Tiannas with a few gifts for or from Tianna

Christmas this year was good with the kids I think it went better because we shopped early to avoid black Friday. The kids mostly wanted .... MINECRAFT lol oh well it is an easy thing to do. They have totally gotten into playing this and I like them to do so as they interact better when building in the game. I dont know how many will get this but being as our children are mostly Aspies they do not interact with each other much other then fighting. When playing minecraft they actually talk to each other or chat through the game which helps their spelling so I find it a win win situation.

Thanksgiving

I had a bunch of sick kids this month. We decided to decorate a tree for Tianna's Grave and also make a duplicate for our house it was so odd shortly after deciding this I was in Kmart and found a bunch of purple decorations including a lovely purple butterfly. We decorated them on thanksgiving as a family then put her tree outthe same day. I am trying to decide if I want to do it that day or maybe the next. It was a challenge to get up the energy to go do it after all that lovely food lol! We are still headstone shopping it is a challenge to find something that I can stand to look at for the next 60 years or so. So odd to think she has been gone 4 months. 

Tiannas Graveside Tree

Tiannas Tree for the house

On a side note a lovely woman has given birth to a girl that looks alot like my Tianna only she is semi lobar she does have the single nostril which I was told does not happen in any baby but a Alobar very interesting to say the least. Her page is here https://www.facebook.com/LovingAddieMae?fref=ts she is doing pretty well so far.

An Easter with an Angel coming

Easter was hard this year I have never considered celebrating to include the baby in my tummy before. After thinking on it I decided that I believe the spirit resides in the body even in the womb. As such since Tianna might not be with us for any others we decided to get her a basket and a bunny. A dear friend of mine told me that her children find great comfort from having a stuffed animal to cuddle with when they miss their sister. I thought this was a good a time as any to get an animal that would mean something to my other children when they get sad. I am glad I have a religion to believe in that helps me realize the greater picture. I got released from nursery today they asked how I felt about it, I felt this might be better for me as I struggle when around so many other children. My pregnancy is making it difficult for me to be much help physically. I would like to do something but I am not sure where I could help and not have to deal with any questions about Tianna. My 3 year old is talking up a storm she is a huge chatter box reminds me of my 16 year old more everyday. 

I was sitting outside to day to get warm and realized that the sun was hitting my tummy. I then wondered if Tianna could sense the light she started kicking so I tend to thing she could sense a change. I then realized how much I am aware of the beautiful things nature brings us. I usually notice some things but I feel I have been noticing more since getting Tiannas diagnoses . I remember spending tons of time in nature as a young girl I loved the hills around my house I used to watch ants for hours. I loved to watch water skitters on the provo river. I liked the feel of wet sand when I would build car tunnels and rivers with my brothers. I loved the swinging motion of swings and swing for quite some time. I loved to look at the veins in different leaves while walking. I love sunsets and when I would get up sunrises. Rainbows were and are still magical I love prisms that make these and would explore them in different settings. Butterflies are probably still my most favorite I love their delicateness and how they come out of self made cocoons. As I wander through these days till Tianna comes I try to share these with her as she might not get to experience them outside the womb. I wonder if she will be here long enough to experience different temperatures or a lovely summer day. I hope she will be able to at least experience taking a breath and the amazing energy it can create in your body. I hope she will also get to feel her mothers and fathers arms around her in a loving embrace before she goes back to help her father in heaven.