Another month gone

Oct 10th

I am still here the after effects of grief are actually stronger in the older children then the younger ones. I got my photos from NILMDTS today and they are lovely Lens Blossom Photography did an awesome job. I had a hard time wanting to sit down and look at them but made myself it was bitter sweet. I am glad I did they are something I am glad I will always have as you tend to forget some of the details. I have been sick 4 times in the 8 weeks since I delivered but seem to be on the mend. I am reminded at different times in my life that God is mindful of us especially in the way people are brought into our lives. We will be ok will life be a challenge? yes will we always grieve? yes but it will lessen then hit like a train and lessen again. I have a new favorite song it is Glorious by David Archuleta it has deep meaning for me at the moment. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GytW_rgr0RM

The hardest hit from this experience is my oldest she struggles with anxiety and depression already and has not rebounded very well. I wish I could figure out how to help her life is already difficult for a 16 year old this experience has not helped. I wish I knew what to say and do to help her work through and learn the special of this and not just the loss.

as Time goes by

September 10
well I have been so sick I have not really been on long enough to post. i have caught two illnesses since Tiannas birth and just cant seem to beat them down very well. My mother has been suffering with arrhythmia since the funeral and cant drive. They tried a cardioversion but it did not take although Sunday she did have some normal rhythm time. I feel like I have been hit by a train my neck hurts my throat hurts. Pumping is going ok I just wish I had more energy so I felt like a human instead of a dishrag. I started tax classes so weird how life moves on. I find it odd that Tianna has been gone for 5 weeks some days it seems so long ago and others like it was yesterday. I wonder if I am the only one who still has this aching loss you feel kind of lonely at least that is the closest feeling I can put a word to

A family Lesson

September 2

Well I managed to really wear myself out to many days on 5 hrs sleep spent the long weekend recovering. Well that and dealing with the kids they all seemed for lack of better description to have PMS. Bickering, picking on each other, emotional wrecks the list goes on. Yesterday was 4 weeks it is so hard to believe tianna has been gone that long. We went as a family to her grave for the first time since her passing and placed a flower. We decided to have a family home evening mini lesson there to discuss that Tianna is still part of our lives. Also why people go visit graves. I figure we will have to brush up on this topic for the younger kids again later as all they did was run around lol. My hope is that the children will visit her often and look at her short life as a gift for now they have a special person watching over them.