A baby shower and Cemetery plots

well braxton hicks are calming down I have been sitting in a recliner more staying hydrated. I went to my first baby shower since getting Tianna's diagnoses it was not bad mostly felt melancholy. Had a good time good food so I think it went well. Hopefully I do as well on the next one :) Tianna is still very active she seems to be stretching more I wonder if she is feeling constricted and they certainly set off more braxton hicks. Aaron is so cute he keeps playing with my tummy to get baby to kick I think it is good for both of us.
A couple days ago we went to the cemetery and picked out our plots it was depressing I had been avoiding it but with baby drop and all the braxton hicks we decided we had better to be safe. We picked a lovely spot that for most of the day will be shaded they had 5 spots so we hope to bury my parents next to us as well.

had an appt with my doctor Last week stomach measuring a bit small probably cause head is a bit small I had gained some weight so mostly I appear normal hahaha. Tianna was moving so much he could only get the heartbeat for a second or two but decided she was ok as she was moving. She still does not like the doppler or ultra sound machine always seems to be saying leave me be 

well I am having more braxton hicks almost every time I get up or down I must be having them at night cause I wake up with my stomach sore at the top and bottom mostly. Tianna also appears to have dropped into my pelvis my heartburn is a rare thing again. I am 33 weeks if anyone is keeping track  I am having more panic attacks I am sure this is just because I am at war I dont want the inevitable to happen. However I know it needs to it is a bit of a quandary. I dont feel ready for this experience at all and frankly the timing sucks to much to do around my due date the kids will be starting school, Aarons new job starts around then too. I just dont know how it will all work out. I am working on the faith aspect of this whole journey it will work out how it works not much I can do but pray that we all survive the aftermath and take away what we need to from this journey.

We took our kids to a carnival Saturday it was fun we have been working to have more family outings this summer to help with coping. We make several of them as taking Tianna out to do this and that. It can get to be a challenge with all the autism we have frequent meltdowns but this is more important then what some passer by might think of my childrens behaviors. The kids do seem to be having fun so that is what matters making some memories.

An helpful appointment

Well been a bit busy my oldest 4th and son have started summer school and no its not any easier to get him to go to summer school then regular school. Tianna is still kicking away and seems to be doing fine. I switched to the family doctor to deliver at UVRMC he is a really nice doctor who takes time with you and makes you feel like a person. He had already contacted the nicu at the hospital by my appointment just 3 days after scheduling. I feel like I have done the best I can for Tianna's survival if it is so deemed to happen and have no regrets other then the lack of birthing tub  I have gotten permission to labor in water till my water breaks and then I can sit in the shower for a while so this will help. I have been swelling in my feet a bit and struggle with heart burn at night. My braxton hicks are getting stronger at night as usual. I still have my up and down moments or days but I can tell people about her condition without always bursting into tears so that is an improvement. I am getting very anxious about giving birth as I really would rather she could stay inside me safe were I can fill in for what she is lacking. However I do realize this is not very logical lol and I am sure God is probably anxious to have her do what he has planned for her till we meet again.

A disappointment

Well I still am not sure where I am delivering tried one hospital with the midwives they would have been ideal but the peri in charge does not seem to value Tianna's short life enough to commit to vent her if needed. Seems to be stuck on the diagnosis that they dont survive and the vast majority dont but that does not mean we dont provide basic medical assistance to them does it? Its not like I am asking to vent her for the next 7 years just to torture her or something. I just want venting available if her single nostril is blind as babies are nose breathers and need to be able to breathe. After they evaluate her and decide she should be able to breathe on her own then we can unvent her I am asking what a couple days? or if she does indeed have a blind nasal or compromised airways we can trach her and then see if she breathes on her own. All this will only happen if she makes it through labor anyway if she is strong enough to fight through that she ought to be given the chance to live for however long god wants her here.

A saying I liked

"I wish you enough sun to keep your attitude bright.

I wish you enough rain to appreciate the sun more.

I wish you enough happiness to keep your spirit alive.

I wish you enough pain so that the smallest joys in life appear much bigger.

I wish you enough gain to satisfy your wanting.

I wish you enough loss to appreciate all that you possess.

I wish you enough hellos to get you through the final good-bye."