Tuesdays

I wish I knew why Tuesdays are so hard for me I lost Tianna on a Monday but it always hits me on a Tuesday. I wonder if that's when it hit me she was gone or perhaps I grieve cause that is the day I went in to get induced. Well whatever it is today is a hard day 3 weeks she has been gone. I don't like it! I know she is doing good things and I still want her here to cuddle and hold. It is mostly at night I miss her and first thing in the morning oh and when I leave the house all of these times I think I am forgetting someone. Interesting how much of our lives revolves around mothering. Well at least I am slowly able to do more things with out getting wiped out. Kids are adjusting to school hubby too. We just need time to get lesson plans in our kids are still clingy and interrupt us constantly more then normal. Makes it hard to get anything done mostly cause I forget where I was with every interruption and have to start over in my thought processes. Sigh!

Some helps and school starting

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B0079UVRU6?ie=UTF8&at=aw-iphone-pc-us-20&force-full-site=1&ref_=aw_bottom_links a good link for help with grieving

I got to meet the family I whose son I am donating breast milk to he is the cutest little guy. The family is very nice I really like them the mother is a sweet lady who has had child loss. We get each others grief. As I am on this new chapter in my life I find it odd that things like grief can help you form bonds with others that you would not have considered in your old you life. 
I am changing sometimes in odd ways. I am currently oddly attached to blankets. I have one they gave me at the hospital that never touched my baby but it is a nice size and I use it when sitting in the recliner and have used it since I came home. I did not realize I was so attached to it till it went missing two days ago I was a bit worried the first day. The second I was almost frantic to find it I thought one of the kids had used it for school. That second night I dreamed about the blanket for heavens sake so this morning I went on a massive hunt I knew I had to have it. I did find it and felt oddly better still I do find this need oddly disturbing.
I held my new niece today for the first time she was born 2 weeks and 3 days after my Tianna. I thought it would upset me to hold her so was a bit nervous. It did not really upset me it did however make me long to hold Tianna and set off that need that I am not doing something I should be again. This need does hit me at other times it is not bad just strange. I guess I will probably always have that but hopefully it will lessen a bit. Still at least I know I can hold babies and not want to steal them hahaha(well no more then usual who does not love babies?)

I went to see my Tiannas grave for the first time Tuesday after horse lessons I had my son, my second daughter and my youngest with me. I tried to explain where Tianna was but my youngest did not get it she wanted me to get Tianna out of the ground it made me want to cry she was so upset. 

I forgot to mention school started for my husband and son. My daughters have been in school for two weeks already and my oldest and third girls have tried out to be in a play. The girls are doing good other then my oldest was in seminary and they showed a film which would have been ok except at the end they had a family gathered around a baby/child grave. Set her on panic mode the rest of the day. My husband is in a brand new Charter school teaching 5th grade the school specializes in Autism spectrum students. Needless to say the first week has been interesting but he loves it. My son does not like school anymore now then he did at the end of last year SIGH! We are hoping he adjusts a bit more since the school specializes in ASD. My oldest has been driving the kids and hubby to schools she is awesome. I did have massive anxiety about letting her they say its due to loosing a baby it makes you more anxious about the others. She makes quite the trip she drives daddy and her brother to one city north then drives 4 cities south picks up the sister that has been staying with my mom and takes them all to school.
I have a daughter staying with my mom as she suffers from arrhythmia where her heart speeds and slows for long periods of the day especially when she gets stressed. She only needs a little help and I found I could not do it with the baby coming and cant currently. So a good solution has been I have had one of my older 4 daughters down there to help her all summer. Currently I have one daughter staying each week they help her do her laundry, keep her company when my dad is gone, take care of dogs and make sure she eats. This has been a big relief from my worries my girls are so awesome I know this has been a challenge for them as my mom can get panicy when she is experiencing these arrhythmia. 

The second Week after Loss

August 17

Eleanor Loveridge Tianna's Cousin is here born this morning she is 20 inches long and 8 lbs 15.9 oz pretty good size for a first baby and she looks like Jarom and has long hair 

August 19

well Tianna has been gone 2 weeks as of yesterday at 6:15 pm what a hard two weeks for me. I miss her like crazy and want to hold her. I have decided in the last couple days that it works for me to give thoughts to her at least first thing in the morning so I play her song and sing it and cry if I want while I pump. I figure I spend all day thinking about and looking after my other children I can spare a bit of time to think about the one that is gone.
I have determined there is a big difference in the sexes in how we grieve and from person to person. I am still a mess my husband seems to have let go and moved on. Of course he is really busy with school starting so maybe he just hides it better which is what I am more inclined to believe.
I still am trying to recover from blood loss and delivery. I read in someones blog who lost 2000 ml and had a transfusion the hospital told her it could take 6 weeks to feel normal. So I have decided to quit feeling guilty that I have not bounced back. This other lady could not even hardly walk without her husband for the first week so I am doing better there I just need to give myself more time.

after a week or so

AUGUST 12

Well my angel has been gone for a week now and it seems like just yesterday she was here. I wish there was a way to just go poof and it would all be better but alas I know its a process. 
There is so much to do with school starting and all I want to do is sleep still, body is slowly recovering. Feet swelling has gone almost away but the exhausted feeling has not. Its not my typical fibro tired its like having had a massive illness and trying to mend. It does seem to improve some each day. Pumping is going well up to almost 24 oz I am donating my milk it helps to be able to give something useful to someone.

August 16

Well went to an Autism fair today Aaron maned a booth for Spectrum Academy. Kids had tons of fun I did ok still really tired all the time. I struggled a bit kept thinking my family numbers were off that I should have another. Sigh! Then I got the first time question someone asked me where my baby was. I just kinda froze I was not sure how to answer or if I could Aaron was great he just said oh she passed 5 days after birth. Well Tianna's first cousin to be born since she passed should be here by tomorrow I bet Tianna was up there giving her all sorts of advice and sending her on her way to her wonderful parents. I miss her.

A wonderful thought

Ran across this in a group it helped 

The White Rose
by Myrna Cox

All the earth’s mothers where gathered together at God’s garden of flowers. Those beautiful budding spirits who would someday come to earth were nurtured and tended in the garden.
A loving father spoke to the mothers, “See the works of my hands? Some day you will be the mothers to these radiant spirits.”
The garden glowed with a mixture of all kinds and colors.
“Choose you,” He said.
Now in the east corner of the garden, pure white roses stood as sentinels. They were not so colorful as the rest, but glowed with a kind of purity, which set them apart. One by one, mothers stepped forward.
“I want the blue eyed, curly haired one, who will grow to maturity and be a mother in Zion.”
Yet another chose a brown eyed, brown haired boy, full of life and love, who would someday be a prince in a grand country. The garden buzzed with excitement as others chose their own special spirits, those whom they would soon welcome into warmth and love of an earthly home.
Once again the loving father spoke, “But who will take the white roses, the ones in the east corner of the garden? These will return to me in purity and goodness. They will not stay long in your homes, for I must bring them back to my garden for they belong with me. But they will gain bodies as was planned. You will miss them and long for them, but I will personally care for them.”
“No not I, “many said in unison. “I couldn’t bear to give one back so soon.” “Nor I” said others. “We will take those who will remain and grow to maturity and live long lives.”
The loving father looked out across the multitude of mothers with a longing in his eye for someone to step forward. Silence.
Then he said, “See the most pure and perfect of all the white ones? I chose him. He will go down and be a sacrifice for all mankind. He will be scorned, mocked, and crucified. He is mine own. Will not anyone of you choose like unto him?”
A few mothers stepped forward. “Yes Lord, I will.” Then another, “I will as well.” “Yes, we will Lord.”
Soon all the pure white roses were taken and they rejoiced in the choices of their mother.
The father spoke again, “Oh blessed are you who choose the white roses. For your pain will be a heavy cross to bear, but your joy will be exceeding beyond anything you can understand at this time.”
The white ones embraced their mothers and so full was their purity and love that it filled their souls with such endearment. Each mother knew that they could endure the task and the greatest of all the white ones gathered them as a hen gathers her chicks.
The outpouring of love surrounded each mother and child, consuming all the white ones as He prepared them for their task. And each mother who bore the weight of the white rose would feel the overwhelming love of God as they all shouted, “Thy will be done.”

How do you cope?

August 8th

Today was my due date and kinda made me mopey I mean usually I am still pregnant which depresses me. I still feel at peace she is where she ought to be but you still feel that emptyness.

August 10th

Well I have discovered that having a small war inside yourself is not pleasant. I feel a big jumbled mess spiritually I know Tianna is safe and happy I have peace about this. Mentally, emotionally and physically I want my baby I want/ need to be caring for her. The loss is on so many levels I can't process how to deal with it. Human nature is to avoid painful things so my survival instincts are to box all that reminds me of her away. Then you feel like a horrible mother for trying to forget such an important person and event in your life. There has to be a better way maybe it takes time. If I can get past these mother instincts that make reminders so painful maybe I can then dwell on the joy Tianna brought me in the short time she was here. I did have to take Tiannas picture off my wallpaper on my phone. It is amazing how much a person looks at their phone and I can't make it through the day crying every time I look at my phone.

I did come to the realization that God sent Tianna back to breath so I would not have to live with the guilt of pulling the plug. I don't have to have any thoughts of I ended her life for which I am grateful. It was still hard to watch her go and you replay it at times.

The funeral

August 7th, 2014
was Tiannas burial it was difficult and sad but at the same time beautiful and peaceful. It is an odd mix of emotions at the same time. We played mothers prayer while her casket was unloaded and placed by Aaron and Timothy Loveridge. Bishop Ludlow conducted Tiannas grandpa Robert Loveridge said opening prayer and Tiannas oldest sister Aubryanna sang breath of heaven. Then Tiannas father Aaron Loveridge dedicated the grave. Then Nora and Rebekka Loveridge played on violin and viola till we meet again and we released purple and blue balloons. I think this helped the kids. We got to watch them lower her into the ground and put flowers on top then they filled it with dirt. I miss her. On a side note you can get a registered death certificate before the birth has been officially registered so you can get birth certificates.

Obituary for our Angel

Tianna Daniella Loveridge

Born July 30, 2014

Died August 4, 2014

Due to Complications of Alobar Holoprosencephaly

Tianna was born at Utah Valley Regional Medical Center to Aaron N Loveridge and Dianalyn Prisbrey Loveridge. Tianna had the cutest nose and loved to be sung to by her oldest sister and her Mom. She loved to be held by daddy and mommy. Tianna is her grandparents and parents shining star that brightened our lives for a brief space of time but will impact us for a lifetime.

Tianna is survived by her parents Aaron Nephi Loveridge and Dianalyn Prisbrey Loveridge; her Sisters Aubryanna, Savannah, Bethannie, Julianna and Meagann Loveridge; her brother Ryan William Loveridge; and by her grandparents Robert LeRoy Loveridge and MaryEllen Wilcox Loveridge, Larry Max Prisbrey and Elizabeth Ann Sykora Prisbrey.

Graveside Service

August 7, 2014

12pm

Lehi Cemetery

1100 N 400 E

Lehi, Utah, 84043

In lieu of flowers, Memorials may be sent to:

Aaron Loveridge

855 E 200 S

Orem, Utah 84097

"A Mother's Prayer"

(Celine Dion)

I pray you'll be my eyes

And watch her where she goes

And help her to be wise

Help me to let go

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

I pray she finds your light

And holds it in her heart

As darkness falls each night

Remind her where you are

Every mother's prayer

Every child knows

Need to find a place

Guide her to a place

Give her faith so she'll be safe

Lead her to a place

Guide her with your grace

To a place where she'll be safe

a many day update

30 July
Well inducing sucks! Been here since 4 pm yesterday had cytotec got me to a 2 had foli catheter got me to almost 3 have epidural miserable now on pit taking forever starting to think should have csection.

Broke water about 1.5 hours ago then pit only at 4.5 have not dilated this slow since first child. So frustrated!

Tianna is here she is stable they did vent her she has big eyes and and a single nostril that does not appear to work.

I tried to leave this world today hemorraged lost most of my blood and plasma. Thank god for Dr Scott Peterson and the uvrmc staff. Along with my doula Megan Keller and her assistant Angie. I am very tired now thank you for all your prayers I feel they made a strong difference in mine and Tiannas outcome. She is still stable and a more normal color.

31 July

We(Aaron and I ) got to hold our precious Tianna a few moments ago we are so grateful for any time we get with this great big special spirit. Her little heart is not cramping enough so they started some med for that. She does have diabetes insiphadous but they are regulating that. She is still vented they want to keep her stable till we are ready to let her go.

1 Aug 

We had a family photo session with our Tianna today it was good. Tianna held up pretty well we are so grateful for the nicu team at uvrmc helping us acheive this with a vent. It was a great blessing. We have after much heart breaking decision making decided to un vent Tianna on Monday and let her return to heavenly father in her own time. She really is just waiting on us she has very minimal brain function. She does not see or hear she is still precious and beautiful. We don't believe she will live but a few moments off the vent and are exceptionally grateful for the time we have had.

 

2 Aug

Well sitting her wit my adorable daughter they took her off the heart contracting meds yesterday she seems to be doing ok without it but her heart rate is sitting at a consistent low from 101-109. She opened her eyes earlier and they are lovely. This picture is from when she was getting her hands and feet cast I get the feeling she did not like it much.

she loves to keep her head the other way so we need to keep turning her to the left. She opened her eyes really wide for me today. She also loves her hands in and by her mouth just like in all her ultra sound pictures 

Some special daddy time she even has been opened her eyes

3 Aug

Well we sure tried to cram a lifetime of memories into a day and a total 5 days. I am not ready for the day tomorrow but we will try to get the best experience we can. My princess had lots of visitors it was a busy day.

4 Aug

Well getting ready to remove vent what a trying time this has been in so many ways. At the same time it has been wonderful such a precious angel. It is difficult to let go we know she has a greater mission then just being with us. We have appreciated everyone's prayers and kind thoughts.

Tianna has gone home she went home to heaven at 6:15 pm after taking vent out about 3:40 pm. She passed at 4:03 pm. Then decided she wanted to let us know she really wanted to stay so at 4:30 pm she started to mouth breathe with heart rate 120 but very gaspy she did this for about 40 minutes then she started to quit breathing 5:15pm. She is such a powerful soul we love her and this is such a powerful experience we have been so blessed.

5 Aug

I have been kinda distressed today feeling like something is missing like I should be doing something. We went to the funeral home today to make final arrangements it was tough. We got to hold our baby again hard to believe she is gone. Such an angel I did not post yesterday but the second time she left it was to my oldest and I singing to her. I think we all needed that experience it was very healing. The following picture was taken shortly after she started to mouth breath we were so blessed to get very alive pictures of our baby she did have jaundice if you wonder about her coloring.