How do you cope?

August 8th

Today was my due date and kinda made me mopey I mean usually I am still pregnant which depresses me. I still feel at peace she is where she ought to be but you still feel that emptyness.

August 10th

Well I have discovered that having a small war inside yourself is not pleasant. I feel a big jumbled mess spiritually I know Tianna is safe and happy I have peace about this. Mentally, emotionally and physically I want my baby I want/ need to be caring for her. The loss is on so many levels I can't process how to deal with it. Human nature is to avoid painful things so my survival instincts are to box all that reminds me of her away. Then you feel like a horrible mother for trying to forget such an important person and event in your life. There has to be a better way maybe it takes time. If I can get past these mother instincts that make reminders so painful maybe I can then dwell on the joy Tianna brought me in the short time she was here. I did have to take Tiannas picture off my wallpaper on my phone. It is amazing how much a person looks at their phone and I can't make it through the day crying every time I look at my phone.

I did come to the realization that God sent Tianna back to breath so I would not have to live with the guilt of pulling the plug. I don't have to have any thoughts of I ended her life for which I am grateful. It was still hard to watch her go and you replay it at times.