As I prepare to give birth

You know Even after you have decided something it does not make it any easier. It is hard to contemplate that in just 2-3 days I will give birth to this angel. I know if I can not talk myself into this and work toward being comfortable my labor might be an not great thing. Still it is a struggle to let go of something that means so much and you have carried for 9 months. With my other children you expect them to live and grow up although there are no guarantees.
With an angel baby you know they wont have long on this earth if they even make it through labor. Although I do find you wonder some of the same things but with more sadness. What would she look like at various ages? I wonder what her favorite thing about nature would have been? What her favorite color will be? What if her brain had been normal would she have done with her life? Which of her siblings would she be closest to? I know these are all trivial things as really she is doing what is most important. I know she is doing and will continue doing great things on the other side. Still I will always wonder.....

I know that our religion believes we will get to raise Angels like Tianna later but I really dont see a need for this as she will already be beyond the need for that. I guess its possible they need a fully grown adult body for some reason but would imagine it could just be changed in the twinkle of an eye. Still I guess this is just another of those things I wont really understand till I get there.
I am working daily to prepare myself mentally, emotionally and physically to give birth I hope I can get there in time for my induction on Tuesday Evening. It is a challenge to get yourself ready let alone have enough left over to do final prep for your kids and husband.

A day to Psych for

We had a great spiritual day a couple days ago I have realized that Tianna is ready she is just waiting for me. I have to psych myself into giving birth and letting go. This is not easy for me I am a pretty much wait and let it come person so forcing my body to give birth early worries me. After much consideration we have decided to move forward with another induction on Tuesday the 29 starting in the evening to dilate me then most likely deliver on Wednesday the 30th. I hope and pray this works out and we can enjoy some time with Tianna this also was in consideration of our other children who start school on the 13th of August we wanted to give them a bit of time to recover.

A Delay

After some careful thought prayer etc we decided not to induce again yesterday. We are still trying to get a feel for when this may or may not occur. we dont feel it will happen this week it is a trial to decide the fine line of risking me and Tianna. We did a non stress test yesterday and Tiannas heart is doing ok she is still oxygenating this does not give us any guarantees. For now she is doing well they would like me to see the doctor twice a week now to help ensure I do not get in trouble health wise. Our oldest two are at camp this week and we wanted them to have a good time. Prayers gratefully accepted.

Some catch up posts

7-11-14
Well in a bit of a shock today went in for my 36 week ultra sound and baby Tianna is not really growing, my amniotic fluid is a bit high so she is not processing it as well as she was. Her heart rate is around 108 bpm which is highly worrisome. The Nicu says they would rather have a good heart rate and worry about lungs then other way around. They then asked us what our goals were and we have decided we would like to have her born alive if possible just to get to see her move and be here. They think that if her heart rate continues to drop she will not make it out of me alive. I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place. I thought I would have 4 more weeks I feel totally not ready but worry if I wait to long I will loose her in the womb which could happen anyway PRAYERS greatly appreciated!!

7-13-14
Well what an emotional weekend. Baby Tianna is doing ok heart rate sitting about 112 I am so grateful to own a fetal monitor so I can not stress about it. Thanks Kim and Michael! We got those prenatal pictures done that was a special experience and will be treasured. We have agreed that We would like Tianna to be born alive if possible we will see what our Regular baby doctor thinks on Monday. I am not happy to have to be induced but that is the way the cookie crumbles. It is a life adjustment to think you have 4 weeks to less then one week all the things I thought I had time to accomplish now get to be crammed in. We laid out some basic plans for the graveside service yesterday just in case I have washed most of the baby things I have that we might need. 

7-14-14
Well it is scheduled I go in to soften my cervix Tuesday Night 6pm at UVRMC then they should start pit Wednesday morning. I am not ready this has all been a mess from the get go I am not used to being induced My babies are all 6 days over except Sav who was 12 days over. I dont like this at all at the same time what do you do? I want to meet my baby alive if possible and they tell me this is the best way as she is not growing and the heart rate issue. I will have to grin and bare it. I pray it works out the way it should and we get to spend some time with her. What a experience this has been. I hope never to repeat it.

7-16-14
Well it just goes to show it can be difficult to force nature. Induction failed we try again Monday.

Crazy week

What a crazy week my husband and I have been typing up his 9 month lesson plan outline. We had a big family thing for the 4th with his family. My doctor is out of town and really wants me to take it easy so as not to deliver early and especially while he is not here. I have days were I am just exhausted then others where I cant sleep much. Tianna is kicking up a storm still and frequently sets off severe braxton hicks. I am getting fairly anxious about birth I have the oddest feeling about it I dont know how you can be anxious and at peace at the same time but thats what I feel. My Doctor finally talked to the Nicu as they are hard to catch they told him they would vent Tianna if she made it through labor so I am relieved. This seems to be the last piece to help me feel I have done all I can to give Tianna the best outcome possible for all variables. Now whatever happens its in Gods hands (well it always was but...) I have done all I can do I feel like I have not slacked in trying to provide any help or service Tianna might require. The only struggle left is providing for the grave sites and her coffin for when she may pass from this world back to God.