Christmas

Well december flew by my mother always calls it to much hub bub to something that should just be. I really dont like to post in here much anymore it does not seem to help much maybe because it is a tangible place to grieve instead of quietly grieving in my room by myself. Your first christmas without your angel is so hard I think because it is such a kid oriented holiday. How to you make it special? What traditions can you include your angel in? What do you do with those that just dont understand why you are including your angel when you would not include a different dead family member such as a grandparent? I really feel it is so much different to loose a child especially an infant, then an adult, its still sad and hard but they did have some time. You got to see the things they could do you got to see their personality you got to see some development even if in pictures. When you loose an infant you just never know these things I dont even know what my baby really looks like. My Tianna would be almost sitting by now at 5 months.
I still left her christmas tree up still even though Aaron and I went yesterday to visit her I am just not ready to leave her marker as the only sign she is there. We went to the grave on christmas day and opened a present for each of the kids that we felt she would want them to have. The girls got angel necklaces in their birthstone months so they would remember they have an angel watching over them. I got the same but with Tianna's birthstone. Our only son got a praying bear to help him remember her. We read the White rose poem and opened an ornament for Tiannas tree. Mostly we wanted them to know we would be spending time with her if she was here so we do so even though she is not. As we travel to the graveyard I have the passing thought what a strange way to spend a holiday then decide this is my life now a life gratefully most will never have to fully comprehend.
I do well most days as the world goes by forgetting our loss of an angel almost no one mentions her, just my mom most struggle to understand why I grieve and dont just move on. How do you tell them that the constant reminders of your loss will always be there. When a baby you know is within a couple weeks of your baby giggles it makes you long for the chance to hear your baby. When they smile at you and you wonder what your babies smile would have looked like. When you wander around thinking you have forgotten something but know its just the empty arms that is the cause.
So as today marks the 5 months since your passing I try to make it through the day as tomorrow will hopefully be a bit easier.

Our Regular tree now joined by Tiannas with a few gifts for or from Tianna

Christmas this year was good with the kids I think it went better because we shopped early to avoid black Friday. The kids mostly wanted .... MINECRAFT lol oh well it is an easy thing to do. They have totally gotten into playing this and I like them to do so as they interact better when building in the game. I dont know how many will get this but being as our children are mostly Aspies they do not interact with each other much other then fighting. When playing minecraft they actually talk to each other or chat through the game which helps their spelling so I find it a win win situation.